just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Randomize
