So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
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