How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
He better not be in your backpack
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Randomize
