so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
