All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
