I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
