I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
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