i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
