If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
