slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
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