Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
