I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize