It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Randomize
