i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
