and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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