What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Randomize
