I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Randomize
