So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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