i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I came so hard my ears popped.
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