just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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