Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
