All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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