i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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