U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Randomize
