He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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