So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Randomize
