My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
3pm strippers are depressing
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Randomize
