we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
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