The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
