haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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