I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
