so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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