apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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