You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Randomize
