Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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