I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
Randomize
