I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Randomize