My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
