my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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