I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Randomize
