This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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