I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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