I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize