Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
