After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Sext me about skeletons
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
