I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
