Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I don't deserve a penis
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Randomize