watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
You have to summon your inner elephant
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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