Your mouth is God's brothel.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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