i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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