my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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