I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize