Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
This beer is not sobering me up at all
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Vodka?
Forever.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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