mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
