You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize