Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
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