I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
