I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
