I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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