I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
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